Celebration of Life

Although I put this in chronicle order to not confuse things, I wrote it some time later.  I was too emotional and upset at first to put my feelings out there and quite frankly it took awhile to get some of them figured out.  I ended up making a digital scrapbook about my Dad because I had a coupon.  I know my Dad would smile about that.  I found in making this book I found healing and really came to terms with many feelings I hadn't before voiced out loud.  It was a huge part of my grieving process.  Here is what I wrote in my Dad's book...

Dad and my sisters and I (Jeanna and Ronna)

all the Lefeber cousins that were there

Ruth's retirement party 

old and great friends Andrea  & John Feyen

Jimmy and Kaydence

my brothers - Chad, Wade, Judd

Uncle Judd & Rylee

Brooke & Kaydence dancing the polka

Bella and my Dad

Dad with my cousin Cathy

Elizabeth and Nanny Jen

My Dad and I

From very early on in his illness, my Dad made it clear that he wanted a celebration of life party before he died and no funeral after he was gone.  He did not want people sitting around being sad.  Dad felt he had a rich and full life ~ one to celebrate.  So the idea of a celebration of life party was born.  The party was combined with Ruth's retirement party in the late morning and Dad's party in the afternoon.  It was as every Lefeber party I ever remember - food that kept coming, beer on tap ( well rootbeer), lots of family not seen in a while, and of coarse a polka band.  I felt my childhood return as that band played.  There was dancing and merriment.  Even so, for me it was hard to completely enjoy the celebration.  I kept my eye close on Dad.  He was tired and in pain but wouldn't take any medication as he wanted to be fully present.  Judd and I stayed close and tried to protect him but everyone just kept coming.  Everyone wanted their last moment with Dad and he wouldn't turn anyone away despite the toll it was taking on him.  After the celebration we loaded Dad into his van and said goodbye.  I told him how much I loved him and he told me he loved me too.  I waited until the van drove away and I couldn't see him anymore.  I did not know until 3 days later that that was going to be the last I would see him alive.  Thinking back about the celebration I was bitter at first as I wished myself and family would have had that day with my Dad and everyone else would have just gotten him at a funeral.  It turns out that as time passed I realized that I just didn't want him to die.  I have found great peace and comfort now in the fact that Dad had things the way he wanted.  All those people were a testament of his life and all he had to offer.  And his life was rich and full just as he said ... and definitely worth celebrating.